Writing to pass this little episode by:

It’s been a good couple of up days. I know that depression is an extended battle and any good day I get is a blessing. I’m feeling physical pain right now so I want to complain though.

I think that’s the hardest part for me. The physical aspect of depression. The lack of energy. The ever present headache. Back aches, sore muscles, dizziness. And that feeling that you might be going crazy because the walls around you are way too white for some reason and sunlight in general is too bright at times because I guess gloom doesn’t like anything that can brighten you up. It literally drives me crazy sometimes – I can feel myself lose my mind because why am I mad about white walls? Why does it feel like I’m being smothered?

I’m so tired of this. I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of having to encourage myself and tell myself to go to the Lord and continue fighting. I’m tired of fighting to function. Sometimes it’s easier to just shut down and sulk.

I can’t concentrate when I’m in pain. I can’t sit still – I have to move to distract myself. And I feel so helpless. I’m perfectly healthy otherwise – there’s no other explanation for the physical pains in my body besides stress and I don’t know how to alleviate it. I have faith in God, I’m throwing my anxieties as quickly as I can onto Him, I’m praying and reading Scripture yet it’s still hurting. What can I do?

I’ve never been so thankful for the concept of grace. P Travis says that I can expect to miss the mark multiple times and it makes me slump in relief. I’m missing the mark like mad right now but Jesus still loves me.

Pain has a way of skewing reality. But, praying for God’s truth to pierce through the haze, no matter how long it takes.