longspur

Choi takes a right turn instead of a left at the light where I’d usually take the left to get home. We wait at the next light and I absentmindedly think that if he had taken the left, he wouldn’t have had to wait so long at this light and I wonder why he took the right – did he not know it was faster to go left?

As we make our way to my house, the opposite way of which I’d usually go, I look up as we pass a street called Longspur, the street right before mine. It’s a street I’ve passed a thousand times but I’d never been one to pay attention to the names of streets – I just know them by direction so the name catches me off guard. “Longspur,” I note to myself as we pass it by, following the bend in the road before finally turning onto my street. “What a strange name.”

The following afternoon, I walk around my neighborhood praying silently in my head and mull over how much peace Delaware always seems to bring me. I had been intentionally asking the Lord for several days where He intends for me to go in terms of career. No clear answers. There’s an overwhelming amount of thoughts going through my head as I consider the possibilities before me. I feel utterly lost. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what He wants. I don’t know what’s “right.” I have no idea where I’m going.

I’ve almost made it back to my street when a car pulls up to the curb a little ahead of me and I observe the couple in the car as I pass them by (oh it’s an elderly couple how cute – and here I think about family gatherings with a sense of nostalgia and how peaceable they were with golden sunlight filtering into the rooms where children sat and played and adults would have conversation over the kitchen table covered with half eaten potluck dishes) and the grammpy calls out to me and I’m almost startled, even though I know they pulled over to ask for directions…he says something I don’t quite understand, “I’m sorry, what street?”

“Longspur.”

The green street sign flashes through my head and I know exactly where it is but I don’t know (in my social awkwardness at being caught off guard) how to deliver such information in a coherent way and go on for ten seconds making vague hand gestures and offering incomprehensible dialogue: “Just the next intersection (wait no that’s city terms?) the next block I think erm, wait no the next two blocks (does a cul de sac count as a block…?) uhhhh no just go down this way and…”

The couple digests my words and hand motions silently and eventually the gramps uses his right hand to do a sort of gentle forward chopping motion; “just straight down this road?” I nod and mentally clap my hands together in exuberant celebration for finding words: “yes, you can’t see it but just go straight down and it’s right there after the bend(!!!!!!)”

They thank me and drive off and part of me contemplates turning around and going back the way I came in case I actually gave them the wrong directions and they come back seeking vengeance…or worse, for further direction. But, I tell myself that’s silly because I have to continue this way to get to my house and also, I was pretty sure that Longspur was just the next street after the bend in the road. I make my way towards my house and remember the wording I had used to direct the couple to the street.

“You can’t see it but just go straight down and it’s right there after the bend.”

I belatedly feel the overwhelming urge to smack myself in the head – well of course they wouldn’t see it; there was no need to point that out as clearly they were asking for directions because they couldn’t see what they were looking for. But, for some reason I wanted to say that – that even though they couldn’t see it, it was still there (and yeah, ineffectively trying to boost my own credibility).

And then I think this is very much like something the Lord would say to me…“you can’t see it just yet…but I know exactly where you’re going. Just keep going straight down and you’ll end up where you need to be, just after the bend in the road.”

I feel like He’s telling me: “just keep walking as you have been and you will end up exactly where you need to be.” No complex or convoluted set of instructions. No fancy pointers or neon signs. Just one step after another – walk, faithfully, with Me, for I know exactly where I’m leading you.

It’s strange. I feel completely lost but utterly safe.

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