tiny teedbits in order to decompress and do something other than calculating depreciation for the day:

[0] I remember shaking my head at God and telling Him this season of depressive fog and heavy heart better be worth it – I told myself over and over again in prayer that this season of dryness would prepare me for the coming trials and hardship in my unforeseen future (at this I scoffed and rolled my eyes at the Lord – "if it can get any harder than this that is…") You had to open your foolish mouth, becca you just had to. Of course, the Lord brought me out of spiritual wilderness straight into physical wilderness with no time to spare in between. But, it is quite, quite, the experience – having just barely made it out of the woods by the skin of my teeth and being dumped into another season of struggle – I can very honestly look back and tell the Lord, "thank you, Jesus." For showing me He is faithful, for showing me He is powerful and sovereign, for showing me He is for me – these are truths that I absolutely have to know lest I lose the spiritual fight and all hope I ever had in Jesus.

[1] was it a year ago? I dreamed that I made a mistake that cost the company a heavy loss – I looked ahead at all the partners lined up in front of me, ready to file out judgement. Panic gripped me, so tight and hot I felt I would burn to ashes right then and there – and then I remembered the Lord and whispered in my heart, "I trust you, Lord." Just like that, all the fear melted away and peace enveloped me.

Tonight, my staff calls me and points out an error in my workpapers – workpapers we have already signed off on and given to the client to decide pricing and timing. A new client – all the more troublesome and concerning as we do not have a previous reputation of good work or rapport with the client to fall back on. I immediately panic and think of all the ways my manager is going to cut my head off. My mind races as I put my head in my hands; I consider the error, added on to the string of mistakes I've been committing the past two weeks and wonder how can I be messing up left and right? What is going on?

In that moment of me questioning my own capabilities and competency (and subsequently considering whether it'd be a good idea to bang my head against the wall), I remember what I had prayed over in the morning: it is the Lord who completes His work in us, who works all things for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

If the Lord wants me to mess up, no matter how diligently I comb through every number, I will mess up. If the Lord wants me to do well at my job, no matter how foolish I am, He will have me excel. I narrow my eyes and stare at the screen and feel the Lord chuckle at me. Now you understand? I tell the Lord that I trust Him and feel peace wash over me.

[2] I am not afraid. The Lord is my rock and my refugee, my deliverer and my help in times of trial. I love you, O Lord, my strength, and I will praise you forevermore.