Arrghhh can’t write coherently or elegantly when my brain is half mush and I’m dreaming about workpapers and tax returns but I’m going to try because I need to practice writing quick posts if I want to make this Lent thing work.
Lent is tomorrow and I have decided after next to no thought that I am going to try to post a quick reflection/confession/teedbit about my walk with Jesus every day. Specifically, I will try to target the depth of my sinful nature and the magnitude of His amazing grace…nicespeak for “I’m going to be brutally honest about how sucky I am and how good God is.” Because I do not wish to inundate everyone’s feed, I will make my daily posts here on my dusty, old tumblr account that I originally started with a similar intent to reflect more about God but never got around to because I fail. If anyone is interested in reading or getting a deeper glimpse into my sinful heart and wretched thoughts, here is your avenue.
Since my senior year of college, I feel that I have gone through seasons with very concise themes – as if God meant to teach me every aspect of His character and brought me through circumstances and events that would expose me to such characteristics. The theme of my senior year was grace. The time frame marked by my graduation and the end of Urbana2015 – healing. 2016 was adventure. As for 2017, or however long this period will last – I have no doubt that God is teaching me humility.
When I write, I edit and edit and edit until I feel the words and the way they are arranged express what I want to portray in a perfectly manufactured way – a balanced blend of openness, vulnerability, light humor, spiritual depth, self-deprecation, and God-praise. But, no one ever sees the raw, original version. When I just let my thoughts and feelings run wild over the keyboard of my laptop because I know I’ll never post it – I just need to write and vent and process what I am going through (and sometimes I go through real crap and other times I go through amazing grace but always, always, there is God in it) but Jesus knows exactly who I am, what I am thinking, what I am doing, and what I am trying to hide – before I’ve even reached for my laptop. And for once in my life, haters be damned, could I just reveal my sinful, wicked, struggling self because everyone is the same way and there is no reputation or image to upkeep because I have nothing. Nothing apart from the grace of God and He is the only audience I should ever care about and He finds me freaking amazing.
Completely losing my train of thought – but what I wanted to flesh out for my own benefit is this – because I don’t want this to be some simple exercise I do for the sake of doing it, not just something I jot down as a resolution that I’d half-heartedly attempt to keep, not a cop-out method of fasting something like candy/alcohol/rice/etc for self-improvement/weight loss rather than a deep thirst for Jesus: no, I want this to be difficult and I want it to grate on my soul and I want it to draw me closer to Jesus. To desire Him the most, to find the utmost satisfaction in Him, so that even if I lose my friends and everyone’s attention that I seek, I will still be overjoyed because He sees me and He loves me.
More than anything, I want to know the depravity of my own soul, then to look to God and understand, “You are a lover of sinners, and the chief of sinners I am – oh, God, You are so good to me.”