Pleut

Teedbits because they are long overdue:

[LLW] I think it’s better to trust too much than to trust too little in a relationship. Not trusting a person can actually be hurtful. I would rather get hurt than be the one hurting the other. I came to this conclusion after watching a drama. Valid? It makes sense to me.

[embrace] I feared visiting RoX because I always felt like those who visit feel left out. I couldn’t bear to feel that again so I didn’t want to go. But, Wednesday came around and there was a turbulent air of restlessness in my soul so I spirited out of the house as quickly as I could to go to the place I dreaded and loved. 

[blue] On my way, I passed a young boy on the swing set on an empty playground. I glanced around for his mother or father but there was no one in sight. He swung up and down by himself on the lonely swing set, his shirt a light, bright blue against the darkening gray blues of the sky. The image stuck with me and I wondered if he felt peace or pain or both. 

[blurs] are all I see when I step into the room; they embrace me from all sides and I am shocked into a temporary, quiet stillness before the need to exert energy to maintain my balance arises. They call my name in welcome and I look at them and wonder how much love I poured out for them to be able to return it tenfold.

[?] and so I wonder again why in the world these people seem to not tire of my presence and actually like me enough to ask for it and again I fail to come up with an answer. Then I remember Jesus and give myself a mental fist pump. Yes. It’s Jesus they like. It’s whatever He does through me that draws them to me.

[please] Father, whatever I did right, let me keep doing it. Whatever you do in me, may it be for your glory.

And so I feel a sense of relief because I realize I am completely at the mercy of a God who cares for me and He knows my need for companionship so who am I to say I will not ever be able to find this again when I move away?

[overcast] I find myself enjoying cloudy days more and more. I gather I’ll feel differently when the colder seasons come around but for now I am brighter when the day is dimmer. There is abundant light and I am walking right in it. 
[dreams]

He was neither stranger nor friend but he was burning with fever so I touched him and took the fire into my body and then it was I burning with fever. He looked at me in concern and told me I was burning and I decided I didn’t mind. Better me than him. 

I swim from room to room and shake my fists as I realize I am still unable to breathe yet still not drowning. My friends glance over at me in surprise as I express my need to breathe, as if I should have known that I would not be able to. I become still and they turn away from me to continue the task at hand and I wonder how much longer I can hold my breath before telling them I am suffocating and need to leave. I wake up before I come up with an answer, out of breath yet strangely not afraid. 

[mother] I am willing to sacrifice for complete strangers. I am willing to tire for my friends. But for my mother, I cannot even spare a yes and a smile as she asks me for a favor; my immediate reaction is to either groan or glare. She pounces on me from behind and giggles as she half hugs me from the side. I am beyond alarmed and my voice is sharp and wary as I consider her sanity; “what are you doing??” She smiles at me and shrugs. “Just happy.” And then I marvel at how she can be such a child but such a good child at times and I wonder if we had grown up at the same time, would we have been friends? I want to love her more than I do now and I have hope because I know the Lord wants the same thing.

[acorn] Pastor Dwight says the life and growth of a Christian looks like an acorn and an oak tree. It starts out little and then it grows roots. Slowly. Invisible. Many, many years down the road, it is a sturdy oak tree, with a massive underground network of roots. You see the tree; the roots are hidden. But, there’s strength in the roots and there’s strength in the tree. An oak tree doesn’t just spurt up within a day or a month or a year. It takes decades; a lifetime, to grow to its full height. The same with a Christian. 

So Jesus tells me; have faith, little one. Patience. You’re growing; you just can’t tell. But, you are growing beautifully.

[heal] I find myself more and more so able to forgive myself for the mistakes I made and the traps I fell into. Ever so faithfully, Jesus heals me of all the scrapes and bruises I collected over the years of my life. As He works in me, I marvel because I realize the more and more I heal, the more and more I’m willing to get hurt again. 

[love] And so my heart decides there’s no point wasting any more time trying to figure out what exactly love is and how one should go about it but rather it is about time I took a flying leap of faith and just give it a go. 

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