甜蜜

1. 

“Without Jesus, this is just a social club. Develop deeper relationships; get involved in each other’s lives.”

Grace reminds us what it’s all about. What RoX is about. What life is about.

[Everything is nothing without Jesus]

I need to be reminded of this on a momentary basis; I am extremely forgetful. How much grace the Father has for me, that He doesn’t suddenly snap (like I do) in anger and impatience and give it to me straight. After years and years of calling to me, still I will ignore His word and reason. I continue grieving His spirit yet He continues coming after me, no matter how much it hurts Him.

Isn’t He wonderful?

2. 

“Love. That’s something you taught me,” David tells me. “Love your church.” It is a challenge (in which my lame excuse to not do so currently is; “I’m too tired”)

I realize I was being a complete baby when I talked to him. I wanted him to pat me on the back and sympathize with my tiredness and tell me “it’s okay, you worked hard, you can rest now.” I was arrogantly looking for recognition, validation, and a way out.

Thankfully, he gave me not what I wanted but what I needed; speaking God’s Word into my life when my spiritual life feels dry.

Utmost hits me straight in the gut.

Rise to the occasion – do what the trial demands of you. It does not matter how much it hurts as long as it gives God the opportunity to manifest the life of Jesus in your body. May God not find complaints in us anymore, but spiritual vitality – a readiness to face anything He brings our way.

[May 15, 2015 | Oswald Chambers]

I have been complaining for far too long. Haven’t I grieved the Spirit enough?

3. 

“Sweetest smile,” reads my superlative and I immediately think how only two other people ever in my entire life have ever commented on how I had a nice smile.

The first which nearly gave me a near silent heart attack; the second which made me laugh; the third which made me feel warm.

Jonathan opens up his arms; I wonder if he knows how precious he is to me and how terrified I am of expressing it.

“Don’t withhold your love from the people you care about,” Michelle told me once.

I am trying.

4.

“Thank you.”

Many thank yous I received and it was only later on the car ride back to school lane when I remembered that it is Jesus who deserves all the thanks.

For every good thing that my friends see in me; every kind word I spoke and act of service I performed came from the prompting of the Spirit. They were things I learned from watching my peers, my brothers and sisters in Christ. They were things I read about in the Bible. They were things done to me when I was lost and lonely.

To smile kindly at someone; I learned when I was a stranger and alone and frightened of talking to people; Sandra’s smile would put me at ease; I felt welcomed.

To bear hug someone; I learned from Jaron who suddenly bear hugged me out of no where as if we were closer than siblings, as if he had waited all day to see me; I felt so loved when I didn’t feel loveable at all.

To call someone’s name and wave; I learned from Vivian and Tiffany; where our friendships started from just them saying my name and waving hello when I entered the room; I had thought they did not care to be my friends but when they acknowledged me with excitement and fervor, I felt valued.

To listen patiently; I learned from Sonnya who listened to me cry and rant and fluster; when I was terrified of burdening anyone with my anxieties and heartbreaks, she encouraged me to come to her and refused my apologies when I did; I no longer felt alone.

To go out of the way to help; I learned from Enoch at chapter camp who ran from the top of the hill where we studied 2 Timothy to his lodging place elsewhere in the camp and back during his break to get me cold medication when I told him I was feeling sick; I felt cared for.

My faith; the Lord supplies it.

My smile; the Lord designed it.

He deserves all the praise. All of it.

5.

“It’s over. It’s finally over.”

Foolishly, I had such a mindset, looking forward to the end of today because it would mark my last day of anything RoX related (and hence the last day I’d have to do anything for it). The year had hardened me, embittered me, and weakened me. I just wanted it to be over.

Looking back now, I realize my mindset should have been, “Oh, thank you Father, for the moments you have given me.”

I didn’t think I would be sad at all.

Vivian came towards me and we embraced silently without a word; the tears came out of nowhere and I realized that a part of me is sad to go.

I still love RoX dearly and I pray that my heart will break for it continuously even after I leave.

Goodbye was bittersweet.

6. 

A dry spell in my faith is not something I like admitting but I think when I can genuinely acknowledge it and come to terms with it, I can start going to Jesus for help.

My prayer life is currently suffering; I am in need of help. I know it comes from Jesus.

[Psalm 87:7] All my fountains are in You.

Jesus won’t let me thirst for long; yet if He does, may it be a bitter and sweet thirst for Him.

7. 

Thank you, Jesus, for RoX. Thank you, Jesus, for companionship. Thank you, Jesus, for family.

I came in lost and lonely, feeling utterly unloved and unwanted; You sent me away with a piece of many people’s hearts.

Thank you for loving me first, and then graciously allowing me to be loved by them.

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