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You cannot fathom how much He loves you. You cannot fathom it so just don’t forget it.

Random thought of the day:

If I get into some kind of accident, say like a k-drama-esque car crash, and get knocked on the head and forget the past 10 years of my life or some form of amnesia, would I forget Jesus?

Excerpts:

[125]

For the first month I wasn’t really aware of how much it was affecting me[…]I was in total chaos[…]But, I was still happy.

For the second month I started to cry a lot. I got even more confused.

For this third month, it hurt so much sometimes I no longer wanted to get out of bed. Sometimes I just wanted it to stop and I thought about cars and buildings and giving up[…]But, I think with the Lord’s help, He will heal me.

[306]

I realize I idolized RoX. And when RoX started to fail me, I started to fail as well[…]But somehow, I am still doing it. Because every night when I finish RoX, I realize I am actually grateful. For my family, for God’s grace that manifests itself in the people and small groups and worship, for Jesus Himself who shows up in our presence. He is good, all the time.

[429]

He’s teaching me to put in effort…massive amounts of effort. Man, maintaining friendships are seriously hard. To chase after people consistently, tirelessly. Jesus has been doing this from the very beginning how does He not get tired, how does He not give up, how does He love us so much??? So it is possible because all things are possible through Christ who strengthens us. Because Christ goes before us, because Christ has done it. How much He loves us. I want to love more.

I’m happy. I have been for a while.

1.

I was dreaming but I wonder if it was real; I saw him look at me and then look away immediately, as if he was ashamed or frightened of how I would react.

In my dream self’s head, I call out to him.

“Don’t go. I’m not angry anymore.” 

I wake up and wonder if he heard me. 

2.

Kristin looks at me and says with resignation and finality; 

“I trust Him.”

I feel the Lord’s pleasure for her and I feel triumph. He is victorious so she is victorious. 

I want to look Satan in the face and grin like a maniac. “You can’t touch her.” 

[The Lord is with her]

3.

Momma is excited to eat but she looks at everywhere but me first and asks if I’m going to pray for the food. My jaw figuratively drops to the ground; I scramble for a response.

“You want me to pray for the food??”

She shrugs. I look over to my dad and tell him I’m going to pray for the food first. He throws up his hands and tilts his head in a flippant response; “go ahead.” I can hear the hardness in his voice but I’m too far overjoyed to care. 

None of them touch the food until after I’m done praying. 

I didn’t realize how much God loves me until He broke my heart. In the stretching, tearing, and mending of my spirit, He is teaching me that love comes at a great, great cost but that it is well worth the sacrifice.

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