March 30. 2015

Daytona update 3

My ma calls me when I’m in the car on the way back to the resort. She asks where I am and I instantly regret not remembering to text my parents when I got to Daytona. I tell her I’m just getting back from the beach from evangelizing and she says okay. She asks when I’ll come back; I tell her and she says okay and that was all she wanted to know. I don’t want the conversation to end but I’m too tired to think through how to continue it so I just let her go. I tell her I love you before she hangs up; I think she lingered long enough to give me time to say it. 

While sharing on the beach, I brought up my relationship in the past with my mother. It’s the one thing I’ve managed to let go of; I no longer blame my mother for anything; I have forgiven her of everything (I think, I hope). I tell Ponnie of how my mother and I never talked, only shouted. How we hated each other’s guts and never interacted unless it was to scream at each other. I tell her that my mother and I are now on better terms, that we actually do things together now but when I said it there was hesitation, as if I wasn’t sure if I was lying or not. 

My mother and I are on better terms. I think we love each other. But, I wish had texted her before she called to ask if I was okay. 

Our first attempt at evangelizing lands us into a fruitful conversation with a devout Christian. She shares a short testimony of how she was saved, tells us that God had specifically told her to come out that day to the beach because people would come talk to her, prays for us; specifically that five people would be saved through our efforts (I’m assuming the whole collective Daytona team). 

Gwen and I walk away feeling encouraged and uplifted. Our very next conversation with three teenagers results in one being saved. When we first asked if she wanted to talk about Christianity or religion, she smiled and replied “Ohhhh, fairy tales.” By the time we had finished sharing the bridge diagram, she was ready to accept Jesus as her savior. 

Ian spots a woman sitting alone on the bench on the boardwalk during our night shift of evangelism. We go up to her and he introduces he two of us and asks whether she’d be interested in talking about afterlife. I am taken aback because I’ve never heard someone open with the mention of afterlife but how the woman responds makes me believe in divine appointments.

She asks, “Why talk to me?”

Ian explains that she looked like she was just alone and deep in thought. She replies that she was in fact deep in thought; when I prompt her to tell us what she was thinking about, she shares that her husband has just recently passed away. 

Jonathan sits beside me on the car and mentions that he hasn’t talked to me the whole trip. I’m taken aback because I do in fact remember talking to him several times throughout the trip, specifically because they were so sparse and in between. I guess that’s what he was getting at; I just don’t like to admit that I may be purposefully ignoring people.

Come to think of it, I’ve barely talked to Vivian as well. The few times we’ve talked at Daytona has always been her initiating, her smiling at me, her (molesting) me first.

I care deeply about them but sometimes I outright refuse to show it. I think I am worried that they don’t want my affections; I am worried that I like them more than they like me; I never liked pursuing people in the first place.

God took people away from me…but I wonder if that was His intention. I wonder if He wanted me to fight for them. I think I just let them go because fighting and losing would have been too painful. 

I find Polaris. He shines brighter than I have ever seen him shine before and it gives me a spark of joy to counteract my lethargy. 

At one point in talking to Diane, I mention the hope in Christ and how it’s the only thing that gets me up in the morning. I think I was telling the truth. 

There’s a reason why I avoid sleep even though I’m dead tired. I don’t need sleep to escape. I don’t need sleep to recharge. All I need is Jesus and He is enough for me. 

But, it’s probably good to sleep a bit more for I’m finding my thoughts are becoming less and less coherent as the days go by. 

I wonder if God will let me sleep in tomorrow.