Quiet

March 27-28. 

Daytona Day 1

teedbits/updates because I need sleep like mad but also refuse to pass up the chance to share God’s grace and work throughout the past two days.

[time] passes differently when you’re on a road trip that lasts throughout the night. I am still confused as to what day it is exactly right now but then again I am rather sleep deprived. I drive the last shift for our car, it consists of about four and a half hours and at the two hour mark, I start nodding off at the wheel. I’m legitimately terrified I’m going to fall asleep and lose control of the car but I’m also terrified of venturing into conversation with my co pilot who stays awake in order to keep me awake. My thighs are full of pinch marks as I try in vain to keep myself awake. I realize I still have trouble trusting Jesus, taking leaps of faith, and remembering my own worth. My head drops for a moment and my eyes close and that is when I know I can’t go any further. I ask Jesus for courage and strength; He gives it to me. I start up a conversation with Trudy; we talk for a good while and it keeps me awake; I am able to complete the last two hours with no incident or casualties. 

[love] I am positive this is the lesson God has been trying to teach me since the start of winter. Love a person at their lowest point; love intentionally, love regardless of how they hurt you, love the broken because Jesus identifies with the poor and oppressed. I do not love naturally. I don’t like most people naturally. I am socially awkward, introspective, quiet. I like sticking with the people I know and am familiar with; I don’t want to step out of my comfort zone and try. It is difficult for me to love outwardly but how could I even start if I don’t even love them inwardly? Jesus says, “Look to me.” Okay, Jesus. You do your thing this week and the rest of my life.

[sacrifice] am I pious or self sacrificing? Probably not even both although I tend more towards the pious side. What is the point of me being holy if I have no love for the people God leads me to? My holiness and piety is useless. Jesus says, “Sacrifice.” I am going to try no matter how tired I get.

[heal] I learn from the videos we watch that the past does not define who I am. “Let it go,” Greg says. “Let it go,” Jesus says, “and let me heal you.” I think for the longest time I just refused to be healed. I glorified brokenness and sin in my life and let it shape who I am. But, I’m going to start letting go. My spirit is tired from hanging on so tightly; all will be well with my soul. 

[family] Joan, Annie, Ziyao and I sit on two beds and share about our walks of faith. The topic of our parents come up and I am reminded of how urgent the Gospel is and how desperately my parents need to hear it. Annie prays over us and our families and I am uplifted by her words. God has a plan; He listens to my prayers. No matter how long it takes, I will not stop praying for my family. Who knows when they will come to know Christ? God does and His timing is perfect so I’ll trust in Him. 

[sleep] I am in great need of it; He supplies it. Praise the Lord.

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