Still profoundly confused as to what exactly God is doing in my life but today was a stellar day so I might as well give praise.
teedbits detailing a tiring, sunny, spring day:
[kings] I relate to the weariness felt by Elijah in 1 Kings 19. I am tired, most probably burnt out, maybe depressed. But, the Lord is full of grace even when there is no appreciative bone in our body. He comes to me in a still small voice; perhaps I am looking too hard for the big, dramatic, life changing moments with God when I should be seeking the mundane, simple happenings of Jesus in the world around me. Shivers run up and down my spine; I can tangibly feel His love for me when I read it; I suggest you give it a look.
[kaleidescope] there are a multitude of colors on the field; I look for a number 10. Messi doesn’t make any goals but Barcelona wins and I am glad that I got the chance to watch a soccer match with Jonathan periodically explaining all the mechanics of the game. Of course, no studying gets done but I don’t have the heart to regret time spent alongside my brother, cheering for the same team.
[marie] looks absolutely beautiful as she looks up the ceiling and ponders the question I ask her from last week’s bible study. “Indifferent,” she says and I realize that is exactly how I feel. We explore David together and I marvel at how determinedly she clings to her faith while I am content to just let it sit stagnant. She makes me want to fight harder. The heart shaped pocky she gifts me are straight from Japan; the pink hues glare at me but I don’t mind it so much because the package it adorns makes me feel loved.
[ma belle] Michelle teaches me to be humble and apologetic. I don’t like admitting I’m wrong yet she is bold and insistent in her words. I tell her I am afraid to tell people I love them; she asks me why I keep them waiting if I care for them. She beats into me what I have been trying to avoid all winter; I am afraid of getting hurt. “Try harder,” my head tells me but my heart screams for me to stop. Give up, run away, heal. But, Jesus is waiting and if I am genuine in saying that I love Him, then I will bear the hurt. It is nothing compared to what He suffered on the cross.
[papier] Kristin shows me how to love. She litters my textbook with fun facts and encouraging messages. She wraps her arms around me as I melt down. She insistently tells me to rest as she bustles about preparing dinner for the two of us at 10:45pm. She doesn’t seem to ever tire of my rants and troubles; she shoulders my burdens with me. Before we get ready for bed, she shoots a paper airplane made from a post it with a small note written on it. It floats and glides beautifully to our surprise; for a glorious ten minutes, I am brimming with happiness as I fly the paper airplane over and over again in our apartment. It floats, as if it weighed nothing; my heart suddenly feels light as the pieces of paper Kristin used to bring me joy.
Daytona is in less than a week and I wonder if I am in any condition to go.
But, God has a way of using broken people to glorify His name. So, if He insists on using me then God strike me down where I stand if I refuse to let Him. My frame is made of fragile bones but He makes beautiful things out of the dust.
Forever be the glory to Him. Amen.