more teedbits because I am too brain dead to write a coherent post; but I have to write this down.
 I am going to choose to believe that I passed the CPA. I admit, if Jesus was not in the equation, there is no way in the whole wide world I could have passed that exam. I am not being humble. I am being so honest; that exam murdered me. Figuratively and quite almost literally. But, I believe He wants me to pass. I believe He didn’t let me take it in January because He knew I wouldn’t be ready; I believe He shifted the clouds for me as a promise that He would deliver; I believe that He is not against me but for me.
[Disclaimer] I could be totally wrong in what I believe of course. God may very well have different plans for me and not want me to pass but I am taking a huge, huge leap of faith in putting this on record that I truly believe He is going to let me pass, regardless of how horribly I did. I’m starting to understand Jonathan when he said there is a logic to God; I’m starting to see the logic. There were many things that happened this winter that just seemed to carry me to where I am now and part of me just cannot understand the reason they happened if God did not intend for me to pass. BUT, I have also decided;
 Even if God throws me a curveball and I do not indeed pass, I will not despair. I will trust in the Lord, I will not lean on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6) Who am I to say I know what is good for me? Do I understand the whole of my circumstances or does God? Do I have the power to deal with my circumstances or does God? Who is better equipped to direct my life? God. I am not going to despair. I will be at peace. I am not going to worry.
 The stress of the winter has really taken its toll on my body. My skin is flaring up in painful breakups; I lost my appetite along with three pounds in just one week; I am constantly light headed and dizzy and ready to drop dead. I am very, very physically weak (and foolishly enough, I did not take care to rest to the best of my abilities this weekend) and I am fearful of how I will be able to take on the rest of this semester in the looming shadow of my next CPA exam. My rational mind tells me I am going to destroy my body at the rate I am going; my faith tells me that God is going to provide me rest. So Proverbs 3:8 tells me to seek wisdom and that it will bring health to my body and nourishment to my bones. I’m seeking His wisdom. I’m seeking His peace.
 The Lord gives and takes away. I am losing close friends and gaining new ones. It fascinates me; surprisingly, it does not make me sad at all. Life and the things in it are so temporary, as are our words. Human promises mean nothing, but God’s Word endures. I will trust in His, not anyone else’s.
 Disappointingly enough, I was like Peter again. Peter who says, “Jesus, even if I have to lose my life, I will follow You,” and then manages to deny Him three times all in the course of a day. I was ashamed of my faith, I was wary of judgment for my love for Him, I didn’t want to talk about Him in front of my Christian brothers and sister. I am not sure what came over me; all I know is that in the end, I was not judged. In the end, I was loved. Choi and Brenden ask me to read them a bedtime story; they pick the Dr. Seuss book that Jonathan gave me (strangely enough, I had just randomly decided to read it that morning) and I wonder if they are asking solely for their own entertainment or if they wanted to comfort me. They are so strange; they act like little kids, they ask me questions, they tell me to show them the pictures, Brenden videotapes me reading. I am too far tired by then (2:30am in the morning) to ponder why they are acting so strange; I acquiesce to their demands and read it to them. I feel very, very loved, in a very odd way.
 The passage in church we read speaks straight through my circumstances and into my heart. GOD. IS. FOR. YOU. It screams at me. I silently acknowledge it; I am filled with peace. Combined service is actually enjoyable; I am miraculously awake for it; worship lifts me up. When it is time for communion, I offer up a prayer to the Lord. “God, give me my daily bread. You alone are enough for me.”
 There is snow, sleet, and ice rain. My parents absolutely forbid me to go back to the apartment; I have left all my schoolwork there. Rest, He tells me. I sleep for three hours.
 I want to be gentle and kind to him. It is time to stop being self righteous.
 I dream about RoX people. Hanna asks to visit me; Hanna visits me and sits on the couch as she did when she lived at the apartment. I embrace her; I miss her so dearly; I miss her so much. Matt, Kristin, Brenden, Choi, (two others, I don’t remember who they were) lay down side by side at the bottom of the stairs; they refuse to let me leave. Julian catapults me out the door; he piggybacks me onto the grass where he promptly drops me and then falls on top of me. His crushing weight is comforting. Matt talks to me about his knee; he tells me it hurts and he nearly cries. More people invade my apartment in the middle of the night; some I don’t even recognize. I crash my (new?) car into the fence; I tell my parents with as much humility and vulnerability as I can. They shake their heads; their disappointment is something I cannot bear. I wake up and the fear disappears and I am thankful it was just a dream.
 I don’t think I have been ever this tired before; weariness is the running theme of my whole Christian life. I revel in it. He promised me I would suffer; He promised me He would deliver me. I am waiting in hope of His deliverance; I am living on faith alone.