more teedbits because I am too brain dead to write a coherent post; but I have to write this down.

[1] I am going to choose to believe that I passed the CPA. I admit, if Jesus was not in the equation, there is no way in the whole wide world I could have passed that exam. I am not being humble. I am being so honest; that exam murdered me. Figuratively and quite almost literally. But, I believe He wants me to pass. I believe He didn’t let me take it in January because He knew I wouldn’t be ready; I believe He shifted the clouds for me as a promise that He would deliver; I believe that He is not against me but for me.

[Disclaimer] I could be totally wrong in what I believe of course. God may very well have different plans for me and not want me to pass but I am taking a huge, huge leap of faith in putting this on record that I truly believe He is going to let me pass, regardless of how horribly I did. I’m starting to understand Jonathan when he said there is a logic to God; I’m starting to see the logic. There were many things that happened this winter that just seemed to carry me to where I am now and part of me just cannot understand the reason they happened if God did not intend for me to pass. BUT, I have also decided;

[2] Even if God throws me a curveball and I do not indeed pass, I will not despair. I will trust in the Lord, I will not lean on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6) Who am I to say I know what is good for me? Do I understand the whole of my circumstances or does God? Do I have the power to deal with my circumstances or does God? Who is better equipped to direct my life? God. I am not going to despair. I will be at peace. I am not going to worry.

[3] The stress of the winter has really taken its toll on my body. My skin is flaring up in painful breakups; I lost my appetite along with three pounds in just one week; I am constantly light headed and dizzy and ready to drop dead. I am very, very physically weak (and foolishly enough, I did not take care to rest to the best of my abilities this weekend) and I am fearful of how I will be able to take on the rest of this semester in the looming shadow of my next CPA exam. My rational mind tells me I am going to destroy my body at the rate I am going; my faith tells me that God is going to provide me rest. So Proverbs 3:8 tells me to seek wisdom and that it will bring health to my body and nourishment to my bones. I’m seeking His wisdom. I’m seeking His peace.

[4] The Lord gives and takes away. I am losing close friends and gaining new ones. It fascinates me; surprisingly, it does not make me sad at all. Life and the things in it are so temporary, as are our words. Human promises mean nothing, but God’s Word endures. I will trust in His, not anyone else’s.

[5] Disappointingly enough, I was like Peter again. Peter who says, “Jesus, even if I have to lose my life, I will follow You,” and then manages to deny Him three times all in the course of a day. I was ashamed of my faith, I was wary of judgment for my love for Him, I didn’t want to talk about Him in front of my Christian brothers and sister. I am not sure what came over me; all I know is that in the end, I was not judged. In the end, I was loved. Choi and Brenden ask me to read them a bedtime story; they pick the Dr. Seuss book that Jonathan gave me (strangely enough, I had just randomly decided to read it that morning) and I wonder if they are asking solely for their own entertainment or if they wanted to comfort me. They are so strange; they act like little kids, they ask me questions, they tell me to show them the pictures, Brenden videotapes me reading. I am too far tired by then (2:30am in the morning) to ponder why they are acting so strange; I acquiesce to their demands and read it to them. I feel very, very loved, in a very odd way.

[6] The passage in church we read speaks straight through my circumstances and into my heart. GOD. IS. FOR. YOU. It screams at me. I silently acknowledge it; I am filled with peace. Combined service is actually enjoyable; I am miraculously awake for it; worship lifts me up. When it is time for communion, I offer up a prayer to the Lord. “God, give me my daily bread. You alone are enough for me.”

[7] There is snow, sleet, and ice rain. My parents absolutely forbid me to go back to the apartment; I have left all my schoolwork there. Rest, He tells me. I sleep for three hours.

[8] I want to be gentle and kind to him. It is time to stop being self righteous.

[9] I dream about RoX people. Hanna asks to visit me; Hanna visits me and sits on the couch as she did when she lived at the apartment. I embrace her; I miss her so dearly; I miss her so much. Matt, Kristin, Brenden, Choi, (two others, I don’t remember who they were) lay down side by side at the bottom of the stairs; they refuse to let me leave. Julian catapults me out the door; he piggybacks me onto the grass where he promptly drops me and then falls on top of me. His crushing weight is comforting. Matt talks to me about his knee; he tells me it hurts and he nearly cries. More people invade my apartment in the middle of the night; some I don’t even recognize. I crash my (new?) car into the fence; I tell my parents with as much humility and vulnerability as I can. They shake their heads; their disappointment is something I cannot bear. I wake up and the fear disappears and I am thankful it was just a dream.

[10] I don’t think I have been ever this tired before; weariness is the running theme of my whole Christian life. I revel in it. He promised me I would suffer; He promised me He would deliver me. I am waiting in hope of His deliverance; I am living on faith alone.