Excerpts;

[11.24.2014]
I don’t think I chased after God enough today. I think I was rather immature. But I have hope that I will not continue falling.

[12.2.2014]
Yeah. Not sure exactly how I’m going to survive tomorrow. Final I seriously am nowhere ready for. I know I’ve said this before but this is seriously the most I’ve ever been unprepared for an exam […] But kind of elated and at peace because never had to depend on God this much before and I like it.

[12.12.2014]
God is full of grace. That’s all I can fathom right now.

[12.13.2014]
But I don’t think I paid enough attention to God.

[12.18.2014]
Enoch cut a crepe up for me […] and I nearly cried. A part of me is still wounded deeply. I’m not sure why. I know it will go away. I am persevering. It still hurts though. Regardless, God is good.

[12.21.2014]
FIRST TIME IN BED BEFORE MIDNIGHT HALLELUJAH.

[1.2.2015]
I think I can do this. I just need to rely solely on Him.

[1.3.2015]
I want to throw up and die. It’s not fair. The pain is so unreal. And yet this is nothing compared to the pain Jesus felt, on that cross, with no one beside Him, even His Father.

[1.5.2015]
I’m so tired […] It’s just the weariness that gets to me. I’m just so tired.

[1.6.2015]
The nausea doesn’t go away for a long time. I push through it and study. I need two more hours before I fill my quota of six hours […] After I’ve hit six hours, I give up. I put my head down and offer up another prayer; this one full of thanks.

[1.9.2015]
Matt and Brenden physically lift me up. Frank tries to put my coat on for me; Marie tries to put on my shoes for me. They all try their best to get me out the door to go to the batting cages. They are persistent; finally I cave. It’s fun. I have fun and I wake up […] Matt asks me how I’m doing; I wish I could tell him I am fine with sincerity.

[1.12.2015]
Over the moon. Jonathan swiped this in front of me after I walked into the study room saying he finally finished my card. I did a double take and couldn’t believe he had actually gotten me a gift. His letter made me so happy […] I wanted to hug him so badly but in the end I was too scared to ask.

[1.15.2015]
I got a beer. It was a lot and I had no idea. I got really dizzy. I hate myself. I didn’t get drunk or anything but I hate that I wanted a drink. I’m worried. I know God will provide. I think He’s still slowly wearing me down until I will turn solely to Him.

[1.19.2015]
God has helped me come to the realization that I am probably doing very spiritually well I just didn’t want to admit it because I thought if I could just be better with the Lord spiritually then physically and emotionally I would be better as well. I thought, why why why am I still not doing well? I must not be spiritually disciplined enough.

But I think the point is for me to be good with the Lord but still experience pain. God doesn’t take away the pain. But He comforts you through it. And I just have to be spiritually wise enough to understand it.

[1.23.2015]
Maybe I’m not supposed to forget. Maybe I just need to man up and deal with it.

[1.28.2015]
Thank the Lord. I didn’t listen very hard for Him today and I am growing arrogant in my faith again. But I am determined to grow more and be humbled. For God to take away everything that is keeping me from Him. I cannot wait.

[2.2.2015]
I’m doing okay for now. I’ve gone back to crying everyday but it’s not bad. I don’t feel in control at all (as I sat on the ground clutching my chest in fear that it was going to burst) but I know God is. He’s got this. He’s got me.

[2.13.2015]
Jesus is so much greater than all the crap that we do. We don’t deserve Him.

[2.15.2015]
I am coming to terms with the fact I may fail the CPA. I just see no way of me passing it through my own merit; the only way I can pass it is if God shows up, works His magic, and somehow gives me all the questions I know how to do. Only way, seriously.

Doesn’t mean He will. But, I think He’s definitely put me in a place where I realize I have to rely on Him. And this test is a merciful one. Unlike the mcats, I can fail however many times I want (and can afford). It’s not the end of the world if I fail; I can always try again. I just hate the inconvenience and the thought of failing; but maybe it is time to be humbled.

[2.19.2015]
I think I’m understanding more the problems in my faith:

I don’t believe that God will help me. That’s why I freak out every time I try to study. I just don’t think He’ll give me good questions, don’t think He’ll help me remember, don’t think He’ll walk me through the exam. But He will. Surely He will. Even if not to make me pass but to just teach me that I will survive.

[2.24.2015]
I realize I always have this mindset that God is against me. But I have to trust Him. I have to trust Him.

[2.25.2015]
I think I need to trust Him more […] Been too tired lately, I fall asleep in the middle of my prayers. But I can’t wait for this to be over. To see how God delivers me, regardless of passing or failing, He will deliver me.

I am pretty unprepared for this exam tomorrow. Probably not as unprepared as I have been before in the past which makes me wonder why I can work myself into a panicked crying fit randomly throughout the day. Because God has always pulled through. Always.

The hardest thing is coming to terms with my own faith. I wanted to be that Syrophonecian woman of great faith, with such a faith that moves Jesus. But, at this moment, I am Peter, stepping out of the boat and then chickening out mid wave.

[Oh, you of little faith]

On the drive back home, my mind runs all over the place, wondering if I could have done anything differently. If I could have honored God any better with my time. If I didn’t study enough. I wonder if I could have done more.

“Darling, I am already so pleased with you,” He tells me and for a terrifying split second, I do not believe Him.

It has been three months of bitter winter (winter began at the end of November; winter came early this year). But, tomorrow I will count it as my year’s first day of spring. Tomorrow will be a victory. Tomorrow He will deliver me.

He will give me rest. I am looking forward to it.

God, You do You.

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