Peace hits me out of nowhere. Joy strikes me so hard that the vessels in my nose pop open and I have to fight the strange choking sensation in my throat as my body threatens to tear up. Like the circumstances that sought to crush me, joy seeks to overwhelm me. It comes out of nowhere, just like the panic attacks, just like the fits of sadness.
I am alive. I am breathing. I am healed. I am free.
//Wrong; it did not come from nowhere.
His peace has always been there. I just never understood how to receive it until recently.
teedbits [of a hell week turned heavenly]
[white] as snow; He promises to wash me clean. I believe Him.
[bright] the urge to go to the reservoir is so deep it’s nearly unbearable. The only thing holding me back is the fact that I may very well die trying to get there amidst all the snow and ice. But, the sky; the sky. Even though it is nighttime, the world is lit up between the clouds in the sky and the snow on the ground.
[Polaris] very rarely do I have the desire to speak to him; I’m still not sure how to talk to him; I am happy that I had something to say to him. Good news is always well received, but; I wonder how he will take it?
[peace] I take my first practice exam for the CPA; I score somewhere along the 50 range; I need a 75 to pass. I do not panic, I do not worry, I do not break down in a fit of anxiety. I am envisioning victory; I am seeing as the Lord tells me to see. I will place all my hopes in Him; He will never disappoint me.
[funk] there’s enough joy in my heart that I spontaneously break out dancing in the middle of my studies.
[YES] I shriek in victory as another worry of mine is taken care of; a burden is lifted; I realize it wasn’t all that heavy after all.
[naps] are a constant; I am always tired no matter how much I sleep. I dream about RoX mostly, some good, some bad. God’s presence litters my dreams; sometimes I wake up in a half prayer; most times I fall asleep mid.
[ravel] pavane pour une enfante defunte is the only piece that has ever made me cry from playing it. Something about the progression in its notes moves my soul deeply; I’m not quite sure if I am crying because it is beautiful or heartbreaking. Most likely both.
[resonance] there are a multitude of ways you can press down on the keys of the piano; each one invokes a different tone and feeling; I am discovering more and more of them as I learn under the patient instruction of Delbeau. I fall deeply in love with the piano and find myself wishing I had appreciated it more when I had time to play.
[quiet] I gave up complaining for Lent. I will write no further on the subject because continuing to do so will probably result in me breaking Lent prematurely. (But, I wonder how God will grow me in the 40 days; already, it has taught me to be more thankful; more joyful)
[ma] calls me many times throughout the week to tell me to stay inside, to dress warm. I find myself obeying her; I cannot bear to disobey when she makes the effort to call. I end every conversation with an “I love you,”; it is almost a habit now. I wonder if we are any closer now than we were before; I am determined to get closer.
[scar] with the bitter cold and dry wind, I find random cuts and scrapes on my skin throughout the week. Some bleed, some hurt, some stubbornly refuse to heal. But, my heart has been steadily repairing; I am loving intentionally. I am warm despite the cold.
I haven’t felt this much peace since November.
Thank you, Lord Jesus. I love You, I love You, I love You.