Like Marie told me, there are many things to celebrate and be joyful about. Jesus, being the main thing.
I understand why Viv loves working out now…kind of. Volleyball is painful, tiring, and humiliating but it’s all worth it. I can now do a decent forearm pass at least 50% of the time. Furthermore, for an entire hour, I did not think about my busy schedule, about people that were tiring to think about, about the CPA, about RoX, etc. Nothing but wanting to just hit the ball in the right position, the cramp in my thigh, and the bruising of my arms.
I don’t know why I suddenly get upset when Enoch says something; something about prioritizing. I glare at him and throw my hands up in the air before I yell at him that I don’t have time. I’ve already given up everything. Studying for the CPA, practicing piano, taking care of my body, doing schoolwork, him.
In the back of my mind, in the depths of my heart, I am screaming; [how much more do you want, God??]
[Half truths] Lies. I haven’t given Him anything.
I did not give up the CPA because God called me to; I gave up the thought of passing because I am scared of failing. I did not give up practicing piano to make more time for Him; I gave it up because I do not want to. I neglect taking care of my body not to pour out for Him but because I am simply too tired. I slack on schoolwork because there is no cost; I have already graduated; a failing grade will not even exist on my transcript. I did not give him up to obey the Lord; I did so to protect myself.
I am giving things up for the wrong reason; what is the point of giving them up if I am not giving them to Jesus?
I am joyful for most of the day; I did not get through the whole day without complaining. There were many complaints in my conversation with Enoch, yet he is patient with me and offers his time and wisdom.
When he offers to help with figuring out the scripture studies for the semester, I hesitate and almost insist that I do it myself. (Honestly speaking, I just want to do everything myself even when I complain that no one else does it. I want the control, I want the power, I want the recognition. It’s so twisted; I am in desperate need of humbling) But, something he says convinces me. reminds me, that it is not good to do it on my own. He offers his help; I accept it; after he leaves, I stare at my to do list and edit it.
One less thing to do does make my heart feel lighter. Perhaps it was because he offered to share the load.
Until I learn to give things up to You, Lord, take them from me. Take everything away until only Jesus is left.
[You alone can satisfy. You alone are enough for me]