Leaving home was surprisingly easy. I lingered for a bit before I left, said a soft goodbye to the walls that had brought me so much peace; I thanked Jesus for coming home with me.
I thank Him for going with me.
“God is with her,” she replied. I looked at the text and smiled. I want to be like that; when they see me and think of me, I want them to think, “God is with her.” I want to remember myself; God is with me.
The drive back to school lane is slow; for once I don’t throw a fit at the car in front of me (going 15 miles below the speed limit, btw). Maybe it’s because I’m just tired, or perhaps the Lord is answering my prayer of having a gentle and quiet spirit.
[Less of me, more of You] Too many times, I have let my personality eclipse the works of the Spirit; is it me I want them to know or Christ? The glory is all His; why do I count what is not mine? [2 Samuel 24]
Never again do I want to be His enemy; I realize it now. I was an enemy to Him and still He dealt with me mercifully. No matter how much good I tried to dress my sin up in, it was still sin. I was still wrong; I still walked in the shadows; so long it took for me to repent. Asking God to punish me, to take away my guilt, was a terribly frightening and hard thing to do. I admire David’s heart so much; the second he recognized his sin, He pleaded with God to take it away. And God dealt with him justly and mercifully.
I want to fight on His side. Never again do I want to push so stubbornly against Him. I would lose in a heartbeat.
Curled up on my side, trying and failing to fall asleep (darn the cold and stuffiness of my nose), I think back to how miserable I was the whole winter. I imagine God sitting behind me, stroking my hair. He chuckles.
“You know I’m standing right here,” He chastises, with humor and gentleness in His voice.
I understand what He is telling me. “Idiot,”I think to myself; I want to rewind to the point where all this started and do it all over again, properly this time. Without mourning, without moping, without waiting for the wrong things. Why did you give him up but then mourn him? Don’t you see that I am right here?
Who is it that you want, him or Me?
Slow; slow in the head I am; slow in understanding and learning. Yet, God patiently waits; He Himself slow to anger, patiently and graciously waiting for me to come back to Him.
[I am standing right here]
Yes, I know, Lord. I am sorry for constantly forgetting but I thank You for reminding me. Thank you for waiting.
I come to You, Lord. I turn to You. My back will not be turned away from You; I am seeking Your face.
Onwards to the next adventure. I am not afraid.
[God is with me]