When it’s time to sing Rock of Ages, I start shaking. I’m not sure if the shaking is visible to the congregation or my team but it rattles me so hard that I have a hard time keeping my balance. My hands, heart, voice, legs; everything shaking. I get dizzy, trying to draw breath and sing at the same time. It is hard to chant His name.

“All for you, all for you, all for you,” I chant over and over to the Lord before we go up to start the worship set.

God is teaching me how to worship Him properly. Unashamedly, with my hands lifted high, heart open wide. I still care a lot about what I look like, what I sound like, how well I perform (hence the extreme bout of nervousness that hit me today). But, slowly He is teaching me to give those things up.

[Sing to Me]

It is my second time singing on a worship team. While I am nowhere as comfortable with singing as I am behind the piano, I realize that no matter how God chooses to use me, all there is left for me to do is obey. I am unable in every aspect, imperfect, error-prone. I cannot play the piano beautifully; I do not have a strong voice. None of that matters to the Lord; He only wants my submissive heart.

He doesn’t need me to serve Him. He chooses me to.

I drift in and out of prayer and praise as I try to listen to the Lord this morning. At one point, I think of something unpleasant and throw a mini fit.

“God, I’m so tired of this. I don’t want it anymore, it hurts. I’m so tired of this, please I want to give up.”

He responds like so;

“Never have I turned from you. Never have I forsaken you. Never have I given up on you. Do you know how much I love you?”

And suddenly I am repentant. Imagine if the Lord was human. How many heartaches He would have suffered at our hands. How much of a disappointment we would be to Him, how we would hurt Him with our actions, how we would betray Him and trade Him for other things. How tired and sickened of us would He be? I mean, how much disappointment and pain could a human take? At one point, the heart just wants to give up.

But, Jesus did not.

Love is not a feeling; love is a choice. When feelings fail you [when heartaches overtake you], you are left with a choice. God chose us//He loves us.

Suddenly, out of nowhere I am overcome with fear. I am fearful of what is to come because I know there is more suffering waiting for me. I know as the Lord grows me, I will be more subject to temptation and pain.

But, He promises to be with me. Perhaps He will grow me to the point where I will welcome the heartbreak and tribulations. Like Paul, who sang to the Lord behind cold prison walls, I want to be one who rejoices in any circumstance because the Lord goes with me.

I will sing to the LORD all my life

[psalm 104:33]