I haven’t cried in three days and for me that is a monumental feat. Sad? Probably. But, I am at peace.
I almost cried today. But, not for the reason I’d expect.
I forgot why I didn’t like staying at home for too long but today was a painful reminder. Here, I am persecuted. Here, I am mocked. Here, I am insulted.
My dad pulled the, “You want to go? Then go,” card. It always left the most unpleasant feeling in my stomach. This time was no different. I felt shame and embarrassment creep up my skin; I wanted to yell at him and demand what his problem was. What kind of man raised me? Is he really going to be like this? I wanted to talk him down; lecture him; teach him a lesson. I knew in my heart I was righteous; I knew in my heart I was right.
I stayed quiet.
God reminded me to pray for my father. So I did.
It is during times like these where I realize how good Jesus is. How Jesus had the heart to pray for those who had hurt Him, to ask His Father to forgive his enemies, to intercede on their behalf when He was the one who was wronged.
“Father, forgive him for he does not know what he is doing.”
It was never a prayer I offered up to the Lord; He is revealing to me new ways to pray for my family.
My ma packs the food carefully, asking me what we should give Vivian. Grandma dutifully cooks the dumplings and tells me to pay my father no heed. When I fear that I am taking too much food, my ma waves me off.
“Give her more,” she says.
I pray that the Lord blesses her because she had a righteous heart today.
I’m not sure how long my stay at home will last. It has brought me a lot of peace and a change of perspective. I feel sane again. Even just dropping by school lane for a short few hours made my head spin and my heart stutter. I feel very off there; I feel the heaviness creeping back.
But, I can’t help but feel that I am running away.
When the Lord calls me back, I pray that I obey.