This is so hard.

I’ve been putting my head in my hands a lot lately. Face planting, head smacking, all that jazz. I am so utterly panicked and frustrated and done, but still not to the point where I’m throwing up in my hands in defeat.

At the rate I’ve been going now, there is no way in the world I am going to pass my exam. The hours I poured into learning the material have all gone to waste because barely anything has stuck. Not even the bare minimum. I don’t even know enough concepts to answer a single complex multiple choice answer right. Panic. I am panicking. I can’t study because I am panicking so hard.

I am legitimately freaking out right now. What are the symptoms of a panic attack? I don’t know. I think I stopped breathing at one point. I think my heart is ready to stop beating.

I think I’m asking for prayers but at the same time I’m asking in a way that refuses to acknowledge that I am not okay. “I’m fine,” I tell myself. I am being strong and courageous. I got this. It’s just an exam.

I do not got this in any way. I suck at life right now.

God has provided for me consistently throughout my academic career in college. I would study whatever I could for my exams but most of my free time was spent on people. Relationships. God was merciful, though, and maybe it was His intention for me to care more for people than letters on a transcript, and He would grace me with very good grades. Not just enough for passing; enough to please my strict, demanding asian parents and myself. And so all was well. I would serve people with all my time and energy and He would provide me with good grades, skills, and a job.

I have often struggled with taking advantage of His grace.

It is different this time around, I am almost sure of it.

I am not spending time with people this time to serve them. I am spending time with them because I am seeking attention, companionship, reassurance, etc.

A lot of days I feel like trash. I literally feel like I’ve been thrown away, by people I care about [ahhh, the Lord is truly taking them away from me, I don’t want Him to] It hurts, it really does, [I miss you, I wish you wouldn’t be so cold towards me, I wish I was brave enough to ask you why; what did I do wrong?]

So I seek healing in others.

I need to turn to the Lord; He is enough. If it doesn’t feel like He’s enough, it’s because I’m not seeking hard enough. I still refuse to be broken; I need to be broken.

I don’t know how I’m going to get past these next one and a half months, I just know that I will.

By the grace of God; He has always provided.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.