Wind

2015 so I decided to do something different this morning for quiet time. I read through my chapters in Exodus then looked at the sun and decided I wanted to go out. Talk a walk with God.

The day was beautiful. Not a cloud in the sky, like God was saying, “Look how I love you. I give you clear blue skies.”

I prayed silently as I walked. I wasn’t sure what I was praying about; there was a lot of praise, adoration, and pleading. “Lord, make me pure, Lord, help me, Lord, I want to love you more.”

Almost halfway through my walk, I started to envision God walking with me. He held my hand and He walked a little in front of me, as if He was leading me. We walked like that for a while as I continued talking to Him.

Past the halfway point, I start to try listening. “Here I am, Lord. Here I am,” I tried to pray with as much sincerity as I could. Here I stand. “Speak, I am listening.”

He doesn’t say anything. I still see Him holding my hand and with a start, I realize He is holding my left hand with His right. The verse Isaiah 41:10 comes to mind. He goes a little before me and I see a child holding His hand. A little girl. She’s laughing and tugging on His arm, reaching up towards Him with outstretched arms; He sweeps her up high and holds her. I am suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to cry when I finally register that that girl is me. He attends tenderly to the girl in His arms before looking over at me. He doesn’t say anything but I feel it.

“I love you so much.”

I look a little ahead and there stands another man. Jesus with a staff and I suddenly liken Him to Gandalf and his “You shall not pass” but it’s Jesus and His arms are open wide not to stop me but to welcome me.

“I will go before you,” He reassures me.

I am thankful for the Christmas present Viv gave me; a small journal for my goals. At first I looked at it and wondered what in the world I’d do with it because I don’t set goals. I stopped caring about goals. My only goal in life was to live for God.

But, now that I think it over, it’s a rather good thing to have goals. I was just going about it in the wrong way. Baby steps need to be taken.

Today, the Lord tells me to:

1. Walk by faith, not by sight [2 Corinthians 5:7]

2. Have a gentle and quiet soul [1 Peter 3:4]

3. Take His hand; He will uphold me with His righteous right hand [Isaiah 41:10]

I wonder how long it will take me to accomplish these; I wonder how I’ll grow in the process; I am excited to work on them. Making these goals made me strangely joyful.

Obedience. I feel like I’ve accomplished something; I want to give myself a pat on the back; the other part of me wants to smack myself for going through with it. It hurts; not as much as I thought it would (although who knows how I’ll fare in the coming days) but I think I’m ready. I think the Lord is pleased and for that I will rejoice. Anything for You.

Marie has grown a lot. She surprises me, in the way that she turns the conversation to RoX and then to God. In the way that she generously offers her face masks and towels. In the way that she plays with my hair and cares for me. Her companionship has grown me this semester and still even now, her company brings healing. I am so grateful.

My soul has been tired but today the Lord’s embrace was enough. I can go on. He goes before me.

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