Nami

“If there is no wind there will be no wave.” ~ Courtesy of fortune cookie from Yi Palace.

What is the wave? What is the wind? My brother seems to get it perfectly but for the life of me I still don’t get it (or refuse to accept the proverbial meaning). Maybe it’s because I’ve spent all my brain power cramming CPA material into my head for the past two weeks. I don’t know. For some reason, I can only think of how I hate the wind and how this fortune rubs me the wrong way. What does this say of my coming year? I have no idea.

Joy comes in the morning. God has been good to me in 2014.

Leetle teedbits; blessings:

[matt and julian] come to mind first. Studying is less miserable when there is company; my apartment is less empty with people; I am not alone. They care for me in little, tiny ways. Matt tells me not to forget to put my parking pass in my car (alas I forgot), he reminds me to charge my computer, he peels an orange and hands me half. Julian speaks when I don’t (sometimes I have nothing to say but he fills in the gaps), asks if I’m okay, tells me I’ll be fine (I need to be reminded daily; I will be fine). We set up the dinner table; somehow food is always provided; we pray, we eat, we talk. It feels like family.

[sun] and clear blue skies. It’s been a rare occasion these past three weeks so when there’s sun, I rejoice. The day is much more bearable.

[Vivian] physically wrestles with me and for a moment I remember the story of how Jacob wrestled with God. Submit. She insists on knowing what’s wrong; I want to tell her and the same time I don’t. She tells me “You’re beautiful, I love you,” it makes me uncomfortable because I am still not good at receiving and even though the way she says it makes it seem she’s not sincere (she practically molests me when she says it), there is sincerity there and it frightens me and fills me at the same time.

[brenden and stephen] invite me over and I wonder why they do. They sit beside me if they see I’m alone playing on my phone, they tease me, they take care of me when I have a headache, they make me tea. They are kinder to me than I am to them and I am infinitely grateful.

[family] is always better than I thought it’d be. Momma asks me to stay home for the night even though I have nowhere to sleep. Grandma, dad, and ma work together to set up a temporary mattress even though I insist on sleeping on the couch; “You need to sleep well when you’re home,” my grandma tells me. Ma wonders why I want to go back to the apartment when there’s no one there; she doesn’t want me to be alone [I am not alone, ma] she packs enough food to last me a week. Dad sees me out the door every time, he holds the door open for me while I tell him, “I love you.” He doesn’t answer back; it doesn’t matter. There is a lightness that settles in my heart every time I tell him and it is enough.

[Isaiah 41:10 and Isaiah 40:31] I chant like a lifeline, when I am anxious, when I am scared, when I am frustrated beyond belief because nothing is going right. It works like a charm. I am tired and weak but He is strong.

Goodbye, dear 2014. I’m not quite ready to leave you behind; I don’t quite want to enter 2015 like this. I’m still weak, still prone to forgetting, still unfaithful and failing.

But, I thank You, Father. For everything. For the passing year and for the next.

I have only one resolution that I can think of at the top of my head and I’m going to try my darned hardest to actually do it.

Remember Jesus. In every waking moment.

Advertisements