I’m one paper and one group project away from being done with fall semester. I don’t want the semester to end.
This is my first night sleeping at home in a long time. I remember just last year I always wanted to sleep at home, disliked going back and forth from my apartment to house. This semester, I never really want to go home anymore unless it’s just for a few hours to greet my parents.
RoX has made me more extroverted…ah maybe that’s wrong. It has turned me into a person who depends on people, desires people. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore when I’m alone. I no longer desire space or time alone.
Church was good…the sermon was interesting and bible study even more so. I learned a lot of truths about Christianity that broke my heart and gave me living hope as well.
1. Jesus became full of sin for us. (Does that even make sense? Jesus is innocent, pure, holy, the sacrificial lamb)
2. Our sin separated Jesus from God’s love.
3. Jesus forgave us for it while He was on the cross.
It was enough to make me cry. I don’t ever want to forget this; I forget it daily.
I want to be around people.
I want to go to the reservoir with David and talk about Jesus. I love talking to him because it’s always Jesus, Jesus, Jesus and it’s like chicken soup for my soul.
I want to go to Philly with Matt and Vince and get Tea-Do and walk around the city at night and admire the lights. I want to go ice skating at the ice skating rink with Michelle and I want her to hold my hand as we (perhaps just I) struggle to maintain our balance and laugh and laugh and laugh. I want to ask her where she is in her faith, how she’s doing, how she’s feeling, where she feels God is leading her.
I want to be at the boys apartment and get into silly fights with the boys and throw around a baby basketball and ask Brenden what he thinks about Jesus now. If anything has changed.
I want to drink a beer with my dad. It could be in silence or we could talk, doesn’t matter.
I want to cuddle with Vivian and talk into the deep hours of the night and fall asleep talking.
I want to go to the beach and freeze and freeze and watch the sunset and collect shells and walk on the sand and then get eggs benedict at a cafe nearby. I don’t know who I want to go with I just know I don’t want to go alone.
I want to take a trip to NYC with the Wu brothers and the whole brown gang and have good conversations on the car ride. All I really care about is the conversations. But if we stayed till night, it’d be nice to watch the city from a high up place and just sit still and marvel at the lights.
I want to watch the full moon with Enoch and talk to him for real. All goofiness (his) and curtness (mine) aside.
I want to get coffee with Jia and talk for hours like we used to. About nothing and anything.
I want to watch the stars with Jon and have him tell me about himself. What Jesus means to him. What God did for him. Because even after a semester of co-leading with him, I realize I still don’t know him at all.
There have been two accounts, maybe more, of people asking if I’m okay. It surprises me and alarms me. Do I not seem okay? I am over the moon.
This semester has been one of the happiest times of my life and I am just sad that it is coming to a close. I’m anxious about how I’m going to survive winter break, studying like mad for my CPA, cooped up in my apartment, not being able to see RoX kids on a daily basis. How my relationship with God will grow or falter during that time. Break has always been so hard for me since I came to Christ. I never wanted to be away from RoX.
But, I’m leaving RoX for good in less than a year; I’m going to start work, I’m moving away, I’m moving onto another chapter of my life. Who am I to say that it will never be as good as it has been now? Who am I to say that God dwells only here? Who am I to decide that I want life to continue joyfully and seamlessly as it has up until now? God has greater plans.
The only thing that matters is God. I am not alone. Jesus sits beside me as I write this and I am satisfied. [the restlessness has subsided; the longing has disappeared]
I am okay. I am over the moon.
Practical (?) Goals for Break:
READ MORE SCRIPTURE: I have nearly no knowledge of Old Testament and many books in New makes me want to pull my hair out. I’m determined to grow my love and need for God’s Word…because I’m going to need it.
PRAY ON ALL OCCASIONS: I often forget to pray when I’m happy, content, satisfied. He deserves all the praise so I will try to remember to stop being carried away by happiness for a short moment to give thanks to Him.
TURN TO HIM: (a culmination of the previous two) The second I grow restless and want to escape where I’m at and see people, I want to be able to be satisfied with Jesus alone. To spend time in the Word or just to pray to Him instead of spending my time elsewhere. God always wants to be with me and I owe Him all of my affections.
Thank you, Jesus.