Fou

My throat has gone from itchy, to sore, to painful in a matter of hours. How did I get myself sick after just getting over a cold last week? It’s the darn cold weather. That and my inability to make myself sleep.

What strikes me about him is his unwavering faith. He is rock. solid. Absolutely rock solid and I am blown away. It’s not like he’s perfect, not like he always does the right thing, not like he’s crazy missionary and intentional. But, you say the right thing to get him to talk and then there it is. Unwavering resolve, unwavering faith. It’s awe inspiring and heartbreaking at the same time because part of me always wonders how much brokenness he suffered, how many trials and tests God put him through before lifting him up to this place. But, that only goes to show how immature I am in my thinking, that even now I still don’t quite grasp the concept of thanking God for the suffering and trials we come across. Because in the end, the view from the top of the mountain is beautiful and something to give praise for, but the mountain is not a mountain without the cliffs, the rocks, the trees and heights; the top is never reached without the climbing and stumbling and falling.

1 Peter 5:10

I hate how easily I can dislike someone after showing them so much affection. I hate the fickleness of human nature, human hearts. It disgusts me how people (I) can throw people away so easily. Why is there a limit to how much I can love a person? The second they ask for more than what I am able (or is it willing?) to offer, I start to shut them out. “Stay away from me,” I plead and the closer they come, the harder I run away. But, Jesus calls, “Stay. Stay and trust me,” and it is always the hardest battle for me to fight, trusting God’s will above my own intuition and desires.

My personality allows me to see the good in other people but always when it comes to myself, I see the ugly, the wickedness, the worthless. All I could think about after the recital was how I had fumbled with the notes (I completely botched the right hand melody for two measures) instead of the joy I received when I hit the returning A section; when I played with no restriction, when I forgot there was an audience, when it was just the piano, God, and I in that recital hall. Jesus met me on that stage and I pushed Him out the second my fingers hit the wrong notes. The audience and nervousness came back, the heat of embarrassment uncomfortably hot on my cheeks. My professor catches me later as I’m hurtling out the door, late for my next appointment. She hugs me tight, congratulates me and sends me on the way with an emphatic “it was your best GSR performance yet,” and I stumble and wonder briefly if we’re thinking about the same performance.

[Yet, Emily posts on my wall as I’m writing and I marvel at how God knows just how to remind me (and takes care to remind me) that He is always pleased with me, no matter how badly I mess up]

Sometimes, I wonder if people ever look at me and think I’m insane; read what I post and think I’m an absolute lunatic. One overly sensitive, sappy girl that likes to spout nonsense and over analyze everything that happens in her life. The old me would despise me; the old me would want to slap me in the face (out of jealousy, maybe, misunderstanding, confusion, disgust) and scream at her, “Are you out of your mind? What happened to you?” To the old me who never thought she would become or be a Christian, who would never be caught dead raising her arms and closing her eyes in worship for fear of looking stupid, who never thought she could be saved but desperately wanted to be, here is my answer:

[one – yes, I am out of my mind] 2 Corinthians 5:13 If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God

[two – Jesus happened] 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

[three – I know you always used to hate people shouting “I LOVE JESUS!” but I’ve turned into one of them and I’m not sorry]

I love Him. I love Him, I love Him, I love Him.

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