Today was a whirlpool of:
revelation: quiet time; when the text says that God doesn’t call us to do things that come naturally to us, but rather things that are difficult for us but we are capable of through the grace of God. through Jesus.
rain: cold and sweat as I hurried to and from class and to my interview in business casual attire and a raincoat made for someone twice my size
fear: as I recalled all the sadness and feelings of unworthiness every time I had to talk to a person who didn’t seem like they wanted to talk to me and dreading falling back into that pattern of believing I am worthless
nausea: when I realize I just can’t walk back into those kinds of situation and open my mouth and talk and pretend that I want to be there.
tears: when I realize I have to
prayer: when I realize I can’t but I can if I just asked Jesus for help, “Oh God, Jesus help me, I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to do this, I’m scared, help me”
joy: when I walk in and see my friends there also dressed up, waiting for their interviews. ecstatic nervousness and anticipation as I talk to adam and he unknowingly charms all the nerves out of me. [we talk about the simplest, silliest things, like how we like the color orange, how we want to gobble up the candy on the desk, etc, but the more I talk, the more comfortable I feel] He says “They’re just people,” and I thank him silently for the reminder that I had been trying to pound into my head since a week ago when I decided I would go through with the painful process of job hunting
thankfulness: when the interviewer expresses interest in me and tells me he wants to invite me back for the second round [not guaranteed but I’ll take it]
bitterness: when I realize I’ve passed one round only to inevitably fail the next one
hunger: lunch is forgotten when I race to my class, already late
wonder: when I look up and see andrew and engage him in conversation. I tell him about my interview and how I don’t expect to get anything and he says “let me know how it goes,” and I wonder if he’s actually serious.
INSERT OUT OF SEQUENTIAL ORDER JOY #2: kristin keeps track of time and as soon as it hits midnight, she pipes out her “happy birthday” and scrambles to give me her gift. I’m basically hyperventilating now from the sheer cuteness
delirium and confusion: as I am overwhelmed by the love that God shows to me through my friends. a simple happy birthday text makes me keel over
[where was I. I’m getting so distracted]
anxiety: as I realize I’m turning 21 in a matter of hours and struggle to think of anything I wanted to do before then
regret: when I watch the video of asians saying “I love you” to their parents and realizing how much I want to say it to mine and also how improbable it is of that happening
choking: when I hold back the tears because I want to be able to tell them that so much
boredom: as I sit through a make up thing at the apartment for erin’s wedding. it’s an experience I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable with
awe: as I research the next company I’m interviewing with and realize how FRICKIN AMAZING THEY ARE and how much I actually do want to work for them and also how much I don’t fit in
hope: I realize throughout the day I do have some merit to myself. Jesus has helped me come so far. who am I to discredit His work?
peace: when I talk to kristin, procrastinate on work, sit in silence
nonchalance: I’m 21 now but it doesn’t feel any different. Jesus is still at my side, I am still procrastinating, I still have a full day’s worth of appointments and work ahead. there is no anxiety right now.
God has been so good to me for 21 solid years.