teedbeets, snapshots, anxieties, blessings and the loony kind of stuff that spouts out of my mouth when I’m tired

1. When they all converged on me and enveloped me in their arms, I didn’t feel trapped. Didn’t feel threatened. I felt invincible.

2. I miss her. I miss her and dislike her at the same time. I hate being close and then being thrown aside. I feel lied to. But, I miss her, I miss her, I miss her. And I can’t bring myself to blame her because the farther she drifts away from me, the more willing I am to let her.

3. I wake up half asleep but sit up like I’ve had a shot of caffeine. I can’t afford to sleep, not when there’s not enough time to witness all of God’s glory this week. I wake up and my heart literally skips a beat because I cannot wait to start the day. Haven’t felt this kind of joy since fall retreat 2012.

4. I’m supposed to be the one loving them, yet somehow I feel like I’m receiving more love than I’m giving away.

5. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let him go.

6. I wonder if there will ever be a day where I’ll be comfortable saying “Ma, you’re so cute,” and even more importantly, “Ma, I love you.” I watched her sew my ballet shoes and my heart and throat became swollen with the words I could not choke out.

7. It’s amazing how the Lord has given me so much faithful companionship yet I still fear feeling alone.

8. There is hope in our Lord Jesus Christ and I see it in the form of an obedient young boy in RoX. Sometimes I have to (figuratively) stop myself from grabbing him and dropping to my knees and just crying for sheer joy. Like a proud mama hen, but I don’t think he’d appreciate that sentiment much.

9. It is the first of September, my favorite month. I am turning 21 in a matter of weeks and fall is here in three. Part of me wonders if I will make it that long.