Lunatic

teedbeets, snapshots, anxieties, blessings and the loony kind of stuff that spouts out of my mouth when I’m tired

1. When they all converged on me and enveloped me in their arms, I didn’t feel trapped. Didn’t feel threatened. I felt invincible.

2. I miss her. I miss her and dislike her at the same time. I hate being close and then being thrown aside. I feel lied to. But, I miss her, I miss her, I miss her. And I can’t bring myself to blame her because the farther she drifts away from me, the more willing I am to let her.

3. I wake up half asleep but sit up like I’ve had a shot of caffeine. I can’t afford to sleep, not when there’s not enough time to witness all of God’s glory this week. I wake up and my heart literally skips a beat because I cannot wait to start the day. Haven’t felt this kind of joy since fall retreat 2012.

4. I’m supposed to be the one loving them, yet somehow I feel like I’m receiving more love than I’m giving away.

5. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let him go.

6. I wonder if there will ever be a day where I’ll be comfortable saying “Ma, you’re so cute,” and even more importantly, “Ma, I love you.” I watched her sew my ballet shoes and my heart and throat became swollen with the words I could not choke out.

7. It’s amazing how the Lord has given me so much faithful companionship yet I still fear feeling alone.

8. There is hope in our Lord Jesus Christ and I see it in the form of an obedient young boy in RoX. Sometimes I have to (figuratively) stop myself from grabbing him and dropping to my knees and just crying for sheer joy. Like a proud mama hen, but I don’t think he’d appreciate that sentiment much.

9. It is the first of September, my favorite month. I am turning 21 in a matter of weeks and fall is here in three. Part of me wonders if I will make it that long.

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