Linger

Many things to write about today and so little time before I should be in bed, sleeping so I can honor God by being awake when I do my quiet time.

REVELATIONS ABOUT MY OWN CONVOLUTED, TWISTED, SILLY NATURE

Had a dream yesterday night, woke up believing it had happened for a few moments before coming back to reality, had some sort of disappointment but at the same time, I wasn’t surprised that it had happened, given this has happened before. Clearly, I was not as at peace with it as I thought because during my spare time at work, I dwelled on it which was a mistake because it ended up with me in tears, leading me to realize that we wake every day with broken dreams, right? I mean, if the dream is a manifestation of your subconscious desires…when you wake up, poof, they’re gone. And it saddened the heck out of me.

Which resorted to me begrudgingly going to God in prayer, not knowing exactly what to say at first since I had slept through my quiet time this morning and felt quite guilty about it because the Lord just showered me with blessings today even though I had ignored Him. And I thought it weird and kind of snarked at Him about it wondering why that would be the case. Usually my day falls to pieces when I don’t root myself in prayer or scripture but some days, it’s a breeze. Anyway, I ended up realizing (maybe through the Spirit, or maybe by myself) that I am never honest about anything. I’m not upfront with anyone, not even myself. I hide things in layers, I muddy up my replies so I have room to back out of commitments and fluff up my answers so nobody really knows what I’m thinking or how I’m feeling. Even when I’m asking myself what I want, I don’t tell the truth because I’m terrified I won’t get what I want. I don’t like to admit that I even want anything; if people offer me food, even if it’s my favorite dessert, I will most likely refuse. Why? Because I don’t want to let them know that I want it! Maybe because it makes me seem weak, or maybe it makes me feel like I am inadequate that I want something I don’t have, but I don’t like showing people that I want anything from them. If I want something, I will get it myself and I will only reveal it if I am confident I can obtain it myself (or I’m just saying it for the frills, like “I want to marry Cumberbatch!” Yeah, not going to happen and I don’t really mean it) Argh, I’m still not explaining this right.

I will say things like “I want him to know Jesus,” or “I want my family to be okay.” Okay. So those aren’t exactly things I can get myself…so why am I not okay saying “I want to have lunch with you,” or “I want ____ for my birthday”?

Because saying the former does not paint a picture of “selfish”. The latter two do.

Ahhh……I am giving myself therapy, yes.

So in the end, I still care greatly about how others perceive me and will lie/hide truths to do so.

And, realizing (as I did faintly a few years ago) that I’m playing a dangerous game as today when I tried to tell God what I really wanted, I didn’t know for the longest time what I really wanted, and when I did figure it out, I couldn’t tell Him upfront. I couldn’t even tell my own Father what I wanted. He who wants to give me everything, who wants to listen everything I tell Him. Because in the end, I was still afraid that He would reject me, that He would say “No,” and I would end up broken hearted.

But, God has ever abundant grace for me and slowly coaxed me to tell Him, EVEN THOUGH HE ALREADY KNEW WHAT I WANTED, and made me pray out loud about what I wanted. Just so I could have it out there in the open, on record, proof that I was lacking and in need.

And so if this prayer either does or does not get answered, I will be reminded that it’s not nearly as bad as I thought just saying what I want and that no matter what, someone (God) listened and did not turn me away. He has good things in store for me, all I have to do is ask, and then receive.

14 minutes past my agreed-with-God bedtime, let’s pray tomorrow I really cherish the time I have with Him in the morning.

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