Siegreich

[In honor of Germany winning the world cup; Siegreich = Victorious. I will grudgingly admit they were deserving of the title and funnily enough, their victory has taught me a few things about grace and humility amongst other things (like how I’ll even cry over a futbol game)]

I had a nightmare (?) last night. I’m a little iffy categorizing it as a nightmare because I wasn’t actually scared but just knowing what I dreamed about; it was messed up stuff. Like, a mixture of time travel, inception, and horror. I think someone could make a movie out of it.

I’m tired. Both physically and mentally. I think my short time as an extrovert is finally starting to take its toll on me. I’m lightheaded and sleepy and heavy. I feel really heavy, especially my head.

I’m learning how to be honest with how I feel. In front of other people. I have Michelle and the Lord to thank for that, for teaching me that I can afford to say “No,” that a few refusals isn’t going to take their love away from me. Hopefully this sticks.

I am starting to understand more and more about what joy feels like. Joy is not BAM, WHAM, SMACK DAB IN YO FACE happiness. It’s muted, distant, quiet, and calm. It doesn’t waver even amidst the myriad of bad things that happen to me in a day. And it doesn’t increase much either when good things happen. It’s very constant and consistency is just what I need.

Talking to my dad and a number of other things (weirdly enough, including the bible) has started to put a dent in my faith. I’m not wavering, not questioning, but starting to wonder. But, thankfully, God is increasing my desire to dive deeper into the Word, to establish a stronger relationship with Him, and, drawing from what I’m learning about in church, teaching me how to fight.

Ephesians 6:10-20. Especially verses 14-17 which describe what “weapons” Christians have to fight the enemy; the devil. Reading over these verses and reflecting over them in church has started a burning fire in my heart. I can FEEL something coming, like if I could just understand this passage and store it in the depths of my heart and APPLY IT; I will have achieved a great stepping stone in becoming more like Christ.

But for now, sleep beckons me. Tomorrow, I’m going to attempt to put on the full armor of God and see where my battles take me.

Hopefully my dreams are peaceful tonight.

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