Fall

My heart literally feels like it’s going to jump out of my chest. You know that feeling when you’re so beyond frustrated you kind of want to throw up? I experienced that three times today. My heart is shaking because I’m so ANNOYED and FRUSTRATED and ANGRY, yes I’m angry and I’m angry that I’m angry because God has shown me so much grace in softening my temper in the past year.

Occurrence number one; the schedule today at my internship says it’s going to take one hour for a training session on Adobe. The training takes one hour and a half, and 55 minutes into the session, I’m clenching my fists in an effort not to scream. I am actually praying to put on patience (because God has already provided the wardrobe and it’s just a matter of putting it on) because I am terrified that I’m going to lose it and slam the table in frustration. A few minutes of praying later, I give up and discard every teaching Jesus has ever taught me. I become angry at everyone in the room. 

Occurrence number two; my ma can’t understand something I’m trying to tell her and I blow up after the third try. A few moments later, the Spirit tugs at my heart to apologize to her (because I have never, ever apologized and for what? Is it pride, fear, or both?) and I drown Him out and try instead to strike up another conversation with my ma like nothing happened. She answers with no bitterness in her voice, still forgiving, still too used to getting yelled at. 

Occurrence number three; my overly possessive nature takes over when I hear my brother chatting on the phone with a person I do not like. The anger and bitterness towards this one person is so hard that I can physically feel the heaviness in my heart. Jesus tells me to forgive, yet I want to hate. I hate that my brother is not obedient to me, that he doesn’t listen when I tell him to stop, that I am only trying to protect him (or am I?). 

I feel like Peter. I feel like a failure. I feel unworthy.

I just spent five days at Chapter Camp immersed in the Word in the first chapter of Mark. I was constantly reminded of Jesus’s patience, tireless service, and abundant love. I was shown love and grace in my interactions with other students there. I lived and breathed Jesus; my heart was full of worship and praise. I was tested and challenged and I obeyed. I left thinking, “Oh, how much I’ve grown,” uplifted by encouragement cards and memories of the past week. 

But, He tells me, “Oh, how much you need Me.” Still. I am still a child in need of her Father. 

2 Corinthians 12:9

On another note, Chapter Camp was amazing. Leaving was a sad affair and maybe I’m just throwing a temper tantrum for being uprooted from the comfort that came from CC. Who would want to leave? I was resting in God’s embrace.

But like one of the speakers said, if we were meant to stay rooted, we would have roots instead of feet. We were given feet so we could go and that is exactly what Jesus is telling me to do. Pray that I may obey.

 

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