Mature

Disclaimer: My thoughts are really jumbled up and all over the place and my heart is full of praise and it’s midnight but I don’t feel like sleeping so read at your own discretion. There is no main point, I guess, and if there were, it’d be Jesus.

I AM GOING TO BE A SENIOR IN THREE WEEKS. I AM GOING TO BE FINISHED WITH MY JUNIOR YEAR IN THREE WEEKS. THIS BLOWS MY MIND AND I AM ON THE VERGE OF A PANIC ATTACK.

(Glad I kept records over the years, no matter how sparse)

I am growing up. Aging, but still a child. Still haven’t done a load of laundry in my life, can’t cook a proper meal for myself (unless you count PBJ as a meal), don’t know how to pay the bills, and frustratingly enough, don’t know how to connect my darn mac to the tv so I can watch Netflix big screen. I don’t know how to take care of myself so thank the Lord that He is watching out for me. Part of me is anxious, always anxious because I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time.

I’m 20 going on 21 and it’s frustrating and exhilarating (look I spelled that right on the first try, that’s progress) because I’m finally starting to feel like I’m becoming an adult. Like I said, there’s been progress. For example, I’ve finally figured out how to manage my bank account. Jia taught me how to write checks. I’m paying my own rent, gas, food, etc. I WENT TO THE GYM TODAY, which hopefully becomes a habit, Lord willing. I’ve learned how to bake and appreciate it. I can drive myself anywhere I want and maybe that’s too much freedom to grant someone who has a rabid thirst for adventure and terrible driving habits but bottom line; I can transport myself places.

More importantly, I’ve learned to speak up for myself, to say “No.” I’ve overcome my fear of people (well, continuously working on it) and have established wonderful friendships with amazing people. I’ve come to understand that my worth does not come from how successful I am, how many friends I have, how well liked I am and I have become joyful as a result. I have become less angry and bitter. 

I have started a relationship with Jesus Christ.

And this is why I find it so interesting reading back over my past posts; I had always thought of myself as a Christian. Why? Because I believed in God. Even when I first started going to RoX, I counted myself as a Christian. But it’s interesting and saddening to note that in my past posts before I came to Christ, I never mentioned Jesus. Granted, Jesus and God are the same person but in my heart, I never acknowledged Jesus. I did not know who He was. Heard about Him, read about Him but completely ignored Him because I didn’t think He was all that important. And so even when I told myself, “I’m happy. I am fine because I have a relationship with God,” I was still unsatisfied and unhappy and so not fine. I did not know Jesus, therefore I still had a broken relationship with God and as a result, I was a broken person.

But, then I did find Christ.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! (2 Corinthians 5:17)

YESSSSS. This excerpt came from my quiet time this morning and it’s so challenging and redeeming to read. I am made anew through my relationship with Christ. My old self has been cast away and a new self has taken it’s place. Jesus has changed me. And this new me, God looks down at it and smiles with favor because He sees Christ and His righteousness in me. 

So how have I changed? I definitely have, but what else has to change? Where is the proof that Jesus has changed me and how is it manifesting itself in my life? Ephesians 4:17-5:21. 

Just looking at my past tumblr posts, I can see change. A long, recurring theme in my life is I don’t actually know what I’m talking about. I suspect I’m severely lacking in wisdom and discernment and most times, the things I spout out don’t have much merit. I’m arrogant and prideful so I like to act like I know everything. So, very grateful for the posts I’ve written in the past because I can see what I’d talked about and think back and realize, “…you like to spout crap, sister.” (And perhaps I’m still spouting crap now but hopefully the Spirit is working in my and I’m actually making sense) It’s humbling because I’m still in the works, still being grown by God and transformed into Christ’s likeness (2 Corinthians 3:18) and just if I ever hit a time where I arrogantly think there’s no way else I could grow, God reminds me that He has brought me far and He plans to bring me even farther. I cannot imagine or comprehend the things He has in store for me; who am I to say that God cannot grow me anymore? And it’s a blessing, no matter how embarrassing or awkward it is to read over past posts, to see how immature and lost I used to be and how much God has grown me.

And so just something else I feel convicted to throw in here; if you continue reading the passage in 2 Corinthians, it goes one to say:

“All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” (2 Corinthians 5:18-21) Amen.

Be reconciled to God. You do that through Jesus, not through your own talents or merits or worth. Jesus alone reconciles you to God. Seek to know Him and accept Him.

So I’ve always had a feeling I would die by age 20 but I’m still here so God still has work for me to do here. I’m excited for the plans He has in store for me and yeah, I’m freaking out some days over where I’m supposed to go and what I’m supposed to do to get there and how the heck I can even do what He calls me to do because at the core I am so incompetent and sinful. I am unable.

But He tells me otherwise. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Phillipians 4:13. 

Hmm…so bring it on finals, senior year, job hunting, being an adult, etc. I have Jesus and He is enough for me.

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