Shadow

Today was a pretty good day. I decided to get up before my alarm for once and I was out the door in twenty. Breakfast was boring but informative at the same time and my heart leaped for joy when a fellow intern talked to me. It sounds pathetic but I’m not used to people voluntarily talking to me. It wasn’t even talking, it was just a short comment about how difficult it was to eat oranges but man, I KNOW. I know the feel and I’ll stop now.

I don’t know, there were various occasions throughout the day where God was gently reminding me, “I care for you.” In the way that He knew that I felt loved by an invitation into a conversation. A hello when someone could have otherwise stayed silent and pretended not to see me. A kind colleague asking if I was okay when I whipped my head around like a bullet for I don’t even remember what.

I was very mindful of the fact that God had everything in control and that knowledge enabled me to stay calm. At peace, worry free. I didn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. I didn’t feel unworthy.

Then, I came home and after dinner, went for a walk with my acquaintance/friend. She’s good at keeping a conversation going, which I’m grateful for because I’m not sure how to talk to her. It was good though. Peaceful. She told me she was glad that I was here, otherwise she would have felt lonely during the summer since she’s an only child.

Heart melting, kind of. I still seem pretty emotionless to myself but I think God is slowly warming my heart.

I didn’t get Grant Thornton. For some reason, I’m oddly okay with that, even though I really wanted it in the past. God has a plan. Looks like I won’t be getting KPMG either and that should be reason enough for me to worry because now I have to start looking for other internships next summer. But, I’m not worried. God has a plan. He’ll reveal it in time, and for now, I’ll do my best at waiting patiently.

My chest pain is getting worse. It kind of scares me when the weird feeling spreads to my arm and I have trouble typing…it’s definitely interfering with my ability to do work but eh, we’ll see. Still not quite ready to call the doctor and also strangely curious about what it’d feel like to actually pass out. Preferably in the comfort of my home and not when I’m driving. Where I can drop onto a bed.

AHHHH tomorrow I go home for the weekend. I know it’ll pass by in a flash but I have a date set with an old friend and I think I’ll be able to talk to her. I don’t know. We’ll see. And then church on Sunday, when I’ll see my beloved church family minus thebro cause he’s leaving for Florida. Don’t know how well I’ll cope without seeing him because he’s easy to talk to and rant to and he’s the one I asked to pray for me and I spilled all my guts to when I was breaking.

If he’s gone….the only option left is luna. And possibly coastaltown if she’s there. Ahhh, coastaltown first, then luna as a last resort. Though, I really don’t know what I’d do if coastaltown isn’t there when I need her. I don’t know if this is God’s way of pushing me closer to luna but sighhh. I just want everything to work out, I don’t want to put any effort into it.

Even if luna isn’t the one, I’m glad I fell for him. He’s going to help me grow, just like halcyon did. This is a learning experience and it’s a win win situation. God’s helping me figure out what I need, what I can’t stand, and what I like. Thank God for His unwavering patience and perfect timing and gentle way of saying no. If I had jumped at the first one, I gather I’d be pretty miserable right now.

No complaints about that from now on. I’m tired of wanting things my way. God’s way is perfect and I want it to be that way.

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