Hmm…it is most definitely getting worse.
Pa just called me to see how I was doing. How was work, what did you do, how’s living at your friend’s, etc. I cannot figure out for the life of me why I gave one word answers and then remained silent as he waited for more. It makes me sad that my dad has to try so hard to get me to talk to him.
It’s not that I don’t want to talk to him…or maybe it is that, but it’s more like I don’t see the point in talking to him. The questions he asks are surface level. Small talk. I hate small talk. They are questions that are easily answered in one word because I’m too exhausted to come up with a longer answer.
I miss my friends, yet when I see them, I know I’m going to remain silent. I’m going to be tired and uncaring when they try to catch up with me and I’ll supply one word answers again. For some reason, lately I’ve been really tired of talking. Making an effort. It seems like there’s nothing worthwhile to talk about; why? I don’t see God working in my life anymore. I don’t see myself growing. I don’t have enough contact with people to see how He’s working in their lives and I have no desire to do so. There’s nothing worthwhile to talk about, to share.
I’m falling into that same pattern of indifference before I came to know Christ. Because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, I feel like there’s no purpose to life anymore. I live to do God’s work, to build God’s kingdom but if I can’t do that, I might as well go to heaven right now. I don’t care anymore.
Life is meaningless without God. It frightens me yet it supplies me with so much joy at the same time. He is my pillar of hope, my purpose, my anchor of support and my salvation. Without Him, I am nothing.
Still, I am sustained by His love for me.
Reading over this, I can see I have a LOT to pray about. One thing that gives me comfort is the fact that my prayer life hasn’t suffered by my time here. Even though I have no contact with any of my supporting Christian friends, I am finding a way to be alone with God. He is enough and for the first time, I understand that.
So much of my Christian life has included people. People who I turn to instead of God. People who I set my hopes and dreams in instead of God. People who I invest in and chase after instead of God. These people are great friends and amazing teachers and role models, yet I feel that my faith has been too dependent on them.
Maybe this summer is a test. A challenge. To see how I’ll grow by myself, alone, abiding in God Himself. Perhaps I will see God Himself instead of how He manifests Himself in people. I can’t wait to see how He’ll grow me.