Trying out this new thing. OmmWriter…? This thing is mad cool and super relaxing. Mayhaps I can finally get some writing done. OKAY, time to move on.
I’m going to be brutally honest with myself. If I continue to downplay things, I’ll never be able to admit my mistakes and grow.
So…why am I here? An hour’s drive away from home sweet home, living with an acquaintance/friend who I’ve only met three or four times, and interning at a financial services provider called Pershing. Well, honestly, I’m only doing it because I want to be doing something over the summer, something that pays because who knows how much money I’ll blow next semester, and getting a step ahead in my career by snagging an internship. Problem is, I don’t know how this all fits into God’s plan for me.
I have an inkling of an idea, I think. Perhaps he wants me to step out of my comfort zone and meet new people. People who I am very reluctant to make friends with because I hold no love towards my fellow interns whatsoever. That’s the problem nowadays with me. I don’t have the desire to make friends anymore. I have no desire to meet new people. I just want to hang with the friends I have and stay comfortable. The only way I can force myself to talk in a social situation is if I’m being graded on it meaning that people are watching to see how well I can interact with people at the firm to see if they want to invite me back. Which is what I forced myself to do at KPMG and Grant Thrornton, but even then I was giving up. What’s the point. I don’t fit in. They don’t like me, I don’t like them.
And suddenly, I’m back to where I started a year ago. Broken. Lonely. Thinking “what the heck is wrong with me, why am I like this?” As if there’s something seriously wrong with me.
I don’t get it. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. The problem most of the time is that I’m too tired to make an effort. I don’t know how people can constantly be talking, thinking of things to say with such effortlessness. Then other times, when I do have things to say, I’m terrified of saying them. “What if nobody replies? What if I stutter when I say it? What if nobody hears me? Better not to just say anything.” But it’s not. I should have just gone ahead and said it. And okay, that happens to me and I retreat into myself because I’m terrified of being judged and of people in general and I limit myself and the amount of work I can do for God’s kingdom.
But other times, I legitimately have nothing to say besides “okay, yeah, right, uh huh.” No other words come to mind, seriously and I am in awe of people who can just reply with a story or a witty line to anything and everything. It’s not fair. Is it because I’m genuinely not interested in what the other person’s talking about? What if they’re talking about getting mad drunk at a crazy party; not much I can contribute there. Or if they’re going into the gritty nitty details about Pershing’s role in the financial market; I’m going to blank out and there’s no way I’d be able to come up with a reply or question.
Frustration. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do and I’m still stupidly trying to do this on my own. I pray about it but when the time comes for me to go up to an intern and introduce myself or sit next to somebody in the cafeteria, I chicken out and immediately forget that there is an all powerful God that can do anything walking beside me. I forget to call upon him. I forget to whisper prayers underneath my breath for help and courage.
A part of me is saying there’s no point in writing this because God’s going to take care of it all in the end. Another part of me, the part that remembers the horrors of high school and the loneliness that accompanied it, doesn’t believe that He will. I feel like I did the night of my nineteenth birthday. “There is no way He can fix me, I have been trying for years.”
But there’s that trust issue and the fact that I’m still trying to do this on my own.
I’m strangely okay with this all, even though I feel awkward almost all the time and tired all the time, I know in my heart that He will take care of everything. Maybe not in the way that I want Him to, but He will make things work out for me. So I am strangely okay.
Besides, I have more important things to worry about. Say like, this weird chest pain I’ve been having that’s alarmingly close to where my heart is. Or the fatigue that hasn’t gone away since two weeks ago. I’m a little bit worried…alright I’m a lot worried becuase this weird uncomfortable feeling has gotten to the point that I can’t drive correctly because I have to clutch my chest with one hand. Sigh and the fact that my parents will undoubtly freak out and order me to go to the doctors if I tell them means that I’ll have to keep quiet about it until it hits the point where I pass out suddenly one day.
Sighhh, also neither KPMG nor Grant Thornton has called me back and I’m getting antsy. I really hope that those six days of killing myself to be the extrovert that I’m not payed off in some way at the end.
BUT strangely still at peace at the moment (maybe because of the really chill music playing in the background, this app is REALLY nice) so Imma trust in God and see how this summer goes.